Damaged Skin and Evil Sins
by flamboyant-lester
Summary: (Phan) (Oneshot) Dan and Phil have been best friends since they could remember, but when they start to drift apart, they each cope a bit differently. Dan is unfazed, too distracted by his grades and his social life to really care. Phil grips his mother's ways by drinking until he could see the bottom of the bottle. (High school AU, angst, slight fluff)


Okay this is my first fic on this blog and it's an extremely long oneshot, i tried.

Summery: Dan and Phil have been best friends forever, and when they start to drift apart, they both end up coping differently.

Warnings: alcohol, drugs, mentions of rape, profanity, angst, high school AU, slight fluff, I'm American so if I use a American term instead of a British one I'm truly sorry.

/

Phil was like a stem, Dan was like a branch. One could be strong without the other. One could stand pressure, but the other could snap.

Dan and Phil's houses were side by side, giving them the advantage of being able to steal away in the night. Their rooms, directly across from each others, even their roofs were aliened perfectly, only about an inch apart, easing the opportunity for Phil to slip through the window in the dead of night. He would leap across, before scrambling into Dan's wide inviting room for night time visits.

Where they would fall into each other, inhale each others scent, embrace each others skin.

When the moon's at it's peak, is when they feel like they are the safest.

Years progressed and the boys grew older, change started fall out of their hands, voices cracked, legs grew longer, surroundings were altered.

Dan's older brother left for university, sending him through a spiral of confusion, and no one to turn to for guidance. His parents then started keeping a closer eye on him, making him to feel equivalent to a bug trapped under a microscope.

Phil's domestic life has never been ideal, by the time he was twelve his father had left, in his place were clouds of smoke diminishing from his mothers cigarettes. She was always sweet to Phil, in an out of it sort of manner and her way of work was also something Phil would never want to discuss with anyone.

By fourteen Dan and Phil's midnight laughter inclined into midnight kisses. Phil would still vault across any distance to get to Dan in the blackest time of night, where they would huddle under Dan's duvet, burrowed together. A place where they both could escape. Phil could forget his mother, and her strange way of living, Dan could forget the fact that his parents were trying to live his life for him.

Side by side, they were both okay, and it was easier to see past everything, and just be there for each other.

No one really understood their relationship, not Dan's parents, or their peers from school. No one could really figure out what they meant to each other.

Dan had friends, other than Phil, most of them he couldn't care less about. A big majority of them where picked out by his parents, to make him look better in long run. Because to Dan's mum and dad all Phil was, was a strange distraction, they didn't understand why someone as smart and talented as Dan would look at someone as low and unfortunate as Phil, like he was the only thing keeping him alive.

Phil on the other hand lived in the moment, friends were just a silly illusion created by time. But to Phil Dan wasn't just a friend, he was so much more than that.

By sixteen Phil came to see just how beautiful Dan really was. Dan was everything to him, and as Phil's life became increasingly more difficult, he started to rely more on the boy. His mum became the deep dark black hole in his life, trying to suck out any light that might try to cross his path. But Phil was strong, all the strength him and Dan had built was symmetrical to a barrier protecting them both. It held up against any kind of danger that tried to break them.

\

As the final two years of school surfaced, a lot of things started to change.

Dan became more frequently submerged in his studies and social status, he physically could feel and see himself drifting farther away from Phil, he didn't want to, god he didn't want to but it felt like there was nothing to hold on to, to keep him grounded anymore. And as Phil's midnight visits reduced from every night to every couple nights a week. Dan felt the pressure of a knot forming in his stomach start to grow.

Phil noticed the change as well, he also noticed everyone around him starting to sort their future out, making him feel beyond uncomfortable, intellectually lonely and practically miserable. But what could Phil do? He had no money to go away to Uni like everyone else, he didn't have a clue what career path he wanted to follow, didn't even think if he know he could even get there, and he didn't know how to reach out for help.

The only person he could think to talk to was Dan, but recently all their time together and conversations resulted in only being about Dan. The party he went to last night, a silly girl asking him out on a date or the math test he aced last week.

Phil couldn't speak, all he could hear where Dan's words, his decisions.

And a day came where Dan started off about university, where he would go, what he would study. He told Phil his parents expected law, and he asked Phil for advise. But what could Phil say when he was more clueless about the subject than Dan himself? But he responded with "What ever makes you happy" before unraveling himself from Dan's sheets.

"Why

Can't

You

Care

More

About

Me?"

\

Their once midnight laughter which evolved into midnight kisses dwindled, and Phil's soft pale lips were now lacking the warmth of the scratchy chapped ones owned by the brown haired boy who's window was sealed shut.

\

Phil would lie in his bed, ringed with blankets, staring at the ceiling, feeling a giant wight of grief pressing against his chest. He felt dizzy, he felt scared, and didn't know why, his mind wondered to Dan, it's been a whole week since Dan last invited him over. Phil found it hard to breath, he lifted his head to gaze out the window longing for Dan's comfort. But when he peered over all he could see was an empty room where the lights fell dim.

Dan must be out with his friends, knowing this made Phil unbelievably wistful. He came to see, that the relationship he had once shared with the astonishing beautiful boy was starting to perish at an outlandish pace.

\

In Dan's mind Phil started to become less important, slowly being erased, he was pushed aside while grades, sports and social interactions were served on a steaming plate of how teenage lives should be.

The boys never even fought, just slowly started to disappear from each others lives, more and more. When Phil realized Dan no longer cared or needed him for escape anymore. He started feeling the interpersonal loneliness tackle him to the ground, pressing his face into the dirt.

He virtually face planted into a depression.

\

Something awful happened in the past few weeks, in a battle to mask his pain, Phil started to become more like his mother than he ever thought possible. He'd rather be anything other than like the woman who he held no connections with. But he found that without substance he started to struggle, to slip away into the arms of an unknown fate.

And with bad influences, came bad behavior, before Phil couldn't even comprehend what was truly happening to him, he was caught up in the whole package, and he didn't have a clue what to do.

Phil unconsciously surrounded himself with burn outs, dickheads, and a pack of assholes.

In a way he's become even more isolated with his new found friends then ever.

He took up party offers every chance he got and started to develop a reputation as a well known party animal. He knew how to have fun in the dark. If Phil Lester was invited, you knew it'd be a party to remember.

The show he put on, was a good one. But it was false because he didn't party for fun like everyone else. He had a purpose.

He partied because for some reason a room full of sticky teenage kids,

made it all feel,

numb.

\

Dan, he's enjoying his time as a teenager, going out with friends, experiencing in the dating area. But of course he's noticed the change in Phil, everyone has. But instead of getting involved, he's simply shut his eyes, turned around and pretended he hadn't seen a thing.

He's even got a girlfriend, and she's made sure the entire school knows about their new found relationship. Jackie Baker's got her bony little hand's all over Dan, everywhere,

in the hall,

in class,

in the parking lot.

And for hormonal reasons Dan is all about it, his hands traveling over her body just as much. She's a feisty dainty brunette with a killer smile, and a dangerous attitude to match. And Dan loves every part of it.

\

Yesterday Phil was suspended for the second time this month, he was caught losing his virginity to a short curvy red head in the boys locker room, while downing a bland mix of beverages.

Phil didn't think much of the sex, he didn't think it was be a big deal. Why should it be, it's just another way to get off. Why make about attachment.

The gossip spread through the school like wild fire, lighting any dry spot available sparking interest in the darkest corners. Phil walked the halls with his shoulders lean and a sly sneer on his face, his elbow in hand of the teacher who just so happened to walk into the little festivity. All eyes seemed to be on him.

But no one saw the self destruction.

Stirring in his mind,

inflating in his stomach.

Phil sat next to the red head in the office as he tried to find his head, through all the smoke swimming in his brain. Every puff took him higher, but every whiff made it harder for him to come down. The thought crossed his mind, that he probably didn't even want to come down.

\

Dan had heard the news of how his former best friend lost his innocence in the bathroom while higher than the sky it's self. How could he not when his girlfriend was the matrix center of gossip.

Dan found it hard to believe what was pouring from Jackie's mouth, but he really had no other choice but to let it go through one ear and out the other, even if he felt the weak pang of hurt build near his gut. But he buried it deep and looked past Phil Lester. Like he was nothing but a stranger.

\

A stranger.

Phil had been walking home one afternoon, beat and ready to fall into a daze of sleep with the help of a little friend. Which was packed in his back pocket, he was ready to fly, caught in a drift of relief. He turned the corner, his feet smacking along the pavement, until he saw Dan exiting the car pulled up to the curb owned by non other than Jackie Baker. Phil watched as Dan pecked her lips, smiling down at her, exchanging a couple words, before waving her off. After the flashy red car disappeared around the rim of the street, is when Phil started to urge himself forward.

Dan turned only to face a boy with jet black hair and dominating blue eyes coming his way. But Dan hardly let the awe grace his features as he started forward, seeming unfazed.

Dan and Phil passed each other, shoulders aliened, like strangers on a lonesome path.

No second glances,

Just silence, and the quickened beat of their hearts.

That was the night where Phil felt the fury burn towards Dan, it was also the first night he cried himself to sleep.

Why do we cry for someone, who left us behind?

\

Today was Phil's birthday, 17.

He spent it alone, in his room, with a bottle of vodka.

\

Phil danced, in the center of the room, grinding against a girl who's face he couldn't place. His vision was hazy and his hands sailed the waves of the girls curves. His face was buried in the cape of her neck, as he inhaled her perfume mixed with the spice of smoke.

Music blared, sending vibrations throughout the strangers house. Phil's chest boomed with adrenaline, his blood simmered, swirling, sending alcohol flowing through. Strobe lights flashed, causing the illusion of a dream. This is what partying meant to Phil, it played out like a dream. It all felt faintly real, faintly forged, you felt the terror and the delight, but when you awake, you know, it was all just a hoax.

Dan fell on a beer stained couch, Jackie attached to his lips, overlapping, breathing in her scent. Dan's hands roamed her body, no part remained untouched. Her fingers, tangled in his soft brown hair, her arms linked around his neck. Completely absorbed in each other, the blaring music, meant nothing, the horny teenagers, meant nothing.

It was just them that meant something.

\

Phil lie in his bed, clear of any substance or alcohol. Completely sober. He couldn't find it in him to pick up a bottle, or roll up a blunt.

Six months since Dan and Phil had shared so much as a one word conversation. Phil's felt sick, hungover. He'd skipped school, to stay home and recover from the other night, where he much over did it. So over did it that he spent half the day with his head hung in the toilet. Heaving whatever acid still remained sloshed in his stomach.

He fell asleep with his insides churning and a slight hum ringing in his ears.

\

Phil was awoken in the middle night, with a hard slap to his back. His eye's barely fluttered open into a trance as he caught shadowed glimpses of a stranger sitting on the edge of his bed. The man with a built structure's hand lingered on Phil's back, tracing the outline of the creases, where his bones slightly caved.

Phil's heart scaled into his throat as he tried to make sense of the situation. The man's lurking eye's graced along Phil's figure, and before Phil could even fully grasp into wake he was being trusted onto his back. In a state of shock Phil's mussels tensed up limiting him the ability to move, his breaths quickened as the man's hands clawed into his sides.

In a matter of seconds Phil's pants were yanked down and the man was scrambling on top of him. Phil found his voice eventually, he started to call out, for his mother, for his father, for anyone.

But the man's cold clammy hand was slabbed over his mouth and Phil was unable to help himself.

Phil was violated and blemished.

That was the second night he cried himself to sleep.

\

Dan sat with his parents looking through universities, he wore a brilliant smile, reflecting his excitement for the future to come. Everything started to fit perfectly together. Grades, friends, athletics, extended activities, the perfect girl. He couldn't ask for anything better.

\

It didn't take long for Phil to realize what was happening.

His mum, the person that was supposed to be the most important in his life, was collecting money from the men who came into Phil's bedroom in the darkest hours.

As soon as he understood this, he knew he could never love her, never forgive her.

Because she wasn't his mother, she was a monster.

And at first Phil fought against the men, as much as they would put up with, before becoming violent, but he promptly saw it made everything

easier,

to just take it,

lay motionless.

Maybe, his mum actually had rules to tell, because he saw the pattern, they never laid their lips on him, and always used a condom. How generous.

\

Phil was scared of home, he only slept in his own bed when he had to, sometimes he'd find himself just passing out at a party purposely, just so he didn't have to ravish in the filth of his bed.

But at least half of the nights he did come stumbling through the door, wasted, he was visited in the night.

Phil never looked at his mum,

he never spoke to her,

wouldn't even blink in her direction.

And what's really shit,

is that she acts like nothing ever happened.

\

Dan's brother came home to visit with his new fiance, she was a perky little blond, who thought Dan was just an adorable miniature of his brother.

And that night when they all sat around the dinner table for the first time everything felt right, like this is how a family should be. A perfect family.

Dan decided he would major in law when he headed to university next year. He thought it was the right thing to do, and maybe drowning in money would make him happier and more comfortable.

"Hey Dan" Jacob said as he jogged up the stairs to stand beside Dan, Dan glanced back, giving his brother a small smile.

"So, Dad told me you've got a girlfriend?" he teased walking Dan to his room, where he followed him in. "Yeah, what about her?"

"Just trying to make conversation." Dan playfully rolled his eye's as Jacob flopped down on the bed, Dan wandered over to his desk.

"Well what about you, you just up and moved to London after Uni, now you're getting married?" A sly smile carved into his lips.

"Yeah it's pretty chaotic."

"I bet" Dan shifted his weight, "How long you guys staying?"

"A week." Jacob strained "Mum's been bugging me to meet Molly for sometime now."

"I've heard."

For a moment it looked like Jacob was debating something, he opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again as if he was going to mention a touchy subject. "Dad also told me you're not friends with Phil anymore."

Dan shrugged, Jacob always used to drive the two every where when he was still in high school. He favored Phil over any other of Dan's friends, simply because of the way he made Dan act.

"He turned out to be a druggie," Dan breathed out, "just like his mum" Dan's words fell cold, but had no reason to be, he shouldn't feel anger towards Phil. What had Phil done?

"That's kind of harsh."

"Well it's the truth, I don't want to hang around idiots like that, who just throw away their whole life. It's just stupid." Dan retorted bleakly, Jacob nodded not pressing the issue any further. As he thought of the little boy with blue eyes and black hair.

\

Phil's unconditionally and utterly unhealthy, he hasn't eaten much or has done anything, other than get fucked up. He hasn't even partied lately, he left all his burn out friends, causing them to wondering where the hell he disappeared to,

It should be a good thing, leaving all the people who persuade you to do bad things, but now it's just worse. Because now, he's just alone and fucked.

Because now he hasn't got a reason to talk anymore, no one to talk to, and all he sees are the black and blue that litter his skin.

And he often finds himself waking up in strange places.

Sometimes when his eye's flutter open, he's soaked from head to toe, in the grassy dew of the parks open field. Feeling safer there, then he would in his own room.

Phil hasn't attended any classes lately, causing his grades to be toileted, but the times where he does show up it's promptly just to get away, stare at a teacher for a little while and pretend he has a some what good, normal, life.

\

Phil started spending a lot of his time in the shower, inducing his mum to complain about the water bill. But it's the only place where he could feel somewhat remotely clean. He always feels the vile stench, of crude intruding finger tips, etched into his skin, and the flesh burning water takes that away, temporarily.

\

In the back of a cherry Karma, Dan could be found, smothered in the heat of his girlfriend, chest to chest, lips to lips. Breathlessly Jackie unattached her lips from Dan's gazing down at his face. He blinks watching her expression change. "Dan, I think I love you" she confesses as she slips her hands over his chest and around his neck.

Dan's breath was trapped in his throat "I think I love you to" he murmured belatedly as he bowed his head, pressing his lips against her neck.

\

The morning mist was cold, and the damp grass tickled Phil's sides, it was pouring down rain as he awoke, he took in the atmosphere. He saw the impression of a swing set as he collected the background.

He was in the park again, shadows lurked, and Phil envisioned the tears falling freely down his cheeks,

he was crying.

He could still feel the fragments of the hands that had disturbed him earlier in the night.

Phil doesn't cry,

not really anymore, he sort of numbed that part of himself.

But now right now, he was bawling, choking on each sob as they spluttered out. He perched himself up, the freezing water ran down his lightly covered back. He was so scared, so shaken, his heart was doing back flips, and he felt so unbelievably trapped, there was no Dan to escape to under that warm duvet anymore.

Dan, he hadn't thought about him in so long, he's angry. He's pissed at Dan. Dan left him when Phil shrived for him the most.

But Phil needed help, he couldn't do this anymore.

He was so done, his next actions were far over due. He shuttered as he stood, onto his convulsive feet, he started towards his home. Whimpering and trembling, while the rain pierced his skin, he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to give at least some protection to his flawed body.

Phil's house and Dan's home came into view. He peered between the two, pausing for a moment, he tried to recollect himself. In slight hesitation Phil took paltry steps toward the condominium where Dan lives along with most of his favorite memories.

He was ultimately soaked by the time he arrived on the elegant front porch. Phil stood there, for what seemed like entirety, just staring impassively, at the white wash door. He eventually lifted a winded finger to press down at the little door bell.

Phil's heart was sunken deeper than ever as he waited for a moment, a strangled cry let his lips as his eye's scanned the door hopelessly. Phil lifted his fists letting them down upon the door, brokenheartedly.

Not before long the door was unlatched and swung open to reveal Mrs. Howell, dressed tastefully already. Phil's fists fell to his sides, his head was bowed and his fringe fell over his face.

Mrs. Howell stood semi shocked, she took in his appearance, bruises peeking through his brittle tee shirt. His uncontrolled trembling, the water dripping from his dark hair and soggy clothes.

Mr and Mrs. Howell were never fond of Phil, mostly because of his back ground, but it didn't mean they didn't have hearts, even if they were harder to thaw than most.

"Phil" Mrs. Howell convened, her eye's broad. Phil swallowed the raw air around him, looking up. He peeked through his hair that matted around his face.

"C-can you help me?" he stuttered forcing the words out of his throat, and in front of Mrs. Howell. His teeth chattering in the frigid weather, while he dug his nails deep into his palms.

She nodded, seemingly at loss for words, "Of course, come in." she spoke ushering him into the warmth of her home.

"Stephen! bring me a towel." she shouted, leading Phil into the familiar house where Mrs. Howell guided Phil through the hall, and into the kitchen.

She seated him at the table, with the decorative clothe draped over it, without warning she started to make some tea. Phil watched her, feeling the knot expand inside his throat, he started to feel regret in his decision.

"Dan's not home" she indicated maneuvering herself around the polished wooden floor.

Phil nodded and watched as she moved to seat herself across the table from him. But before she could get a word out, Mr. Howell entered the room also properly dressed, with a towel in one hand, and a confused aspect spreading through his features. His gaze flickered between his wife and the soaked acquainted boy sitting in his kitchen, dripping on to the floor.

Mrs. Howell stood, snatching the towel from her husband, bluntly going into motherly mode, wrapping the towel around Phil as he thanked her. She wandered over to the finished tea quickly pouring Phil and herself a mug, before settling back down into the chair.

"What do you need help with?" she asked, before shooing her baffled husband away.

Phil was silent for a moment, couldn't seem to find the authority. Thoughts swarmed his mind like bees buzzing around his head, stinging him anytime he tried to swat them away.

"I think I need you to call the police." He rushed, his voice sickly horse, his heart thudding. Phil's never felt this kind of terror before.

Mrs. Howell let concern flood her features for a moment. "Why?" she kept her voice short and timid.

"My mum" he swallowed, coping with reality, trying his hardest not to be sick all over the table.

"What's she done?" Tears pricked at Phil's eyes, faster than he could blink them away.

"You're going to think I'm disgusting." he blubbered exhaling hastily.

"No, no" Mrs. Howell cooed, moments expanded within the air, only the sound of him choking down sobs was verbal.

"She" he paused letting the words find him "let men, come into my room in the night." His voice weak with pressure of a break down on the horizon, and it was hard for him to explain it in any other way.

Mrs. Howell didn't say anything for a long while as Phil buried himself deep into his hands.

"Hey Phil sweetie, calm down everything's going to be okay, you're safe now." she said, startling Phil, he's never heard Mrs. Howell be so kind toward him, especially in a situation as vulgar as this.

"But you're to have to give me better details so I can help you." she continued, her voice soft.

Phil's eye's were glossy and wide as he slowly nodded. Mrs. Howell then encouraged him as he talked, enveloping him in charitable words.

"She took their money, for them to…you know." He trailed off.

"How long has this been happening?"

"Almost four months"

"Christ" she belted, leaning her elbows on the table as she pressed her fingertips to her temple. "You didn't try reaching out for help, or to fight back, or scream?"

"Of course I did, but they were all… so big and I was so…afraid."

Mrs. Howell sighed heavily, staring at Phil, frightening him as he was put under her glassy gaze, she called for her husband.

Mr. Howell yet again entered the room. She stood up walking over to him, leaning against him, whispering into his ear causing his eye's go vast.

"Cancel all the meetings for this morning" she ordered afterword, before offering Phil a warm smile. Mr. Howell provided Phil with a pitiful look before hurrying off. Phil's muscles melted ever so slightly.

Mrs. Howell pulled out her cell, "I'm calling Dan, and then the police." she said her voice hinting enmity.

"D-Don't call Dan, "Phil sputtered before he could think, why should Phil care what Dan thought?

"Don't tell him,"

He left Phil when he needed him the most.

"he'll think I'm gross." he gutted.

Mrs. Howell looked up at him in disbelief. "Phil, why would you think that?" She put the phone to her ear, still staring at him with a questionable look spreading through her character.

"Dan-" she spoke as soon as he answered.

"Yes, I'm fully aware of what time it is."

"You need to come home right now-"

"I don't care, find a ride it's an emergency." She hung up before any other feud could begin, Phil could picture the annoyance in Dan's expression. He felt as though he might even go against his mothers demand.

Phil glanced at the digital clock flashing though on the stove. It read five am.

Phil had refused to move from the spot in the kitchen as he calmed his nerves.

Feeling them racking around, inside was awfully tiring.

Mrs. Howell rung the police, seconds after she'd hung up with her son. Causing Phil to feel a cold hand wrap around his heart and drag it farther down.

\

Dan had been previously staying over at a buddies house with a couple other's after a party took place the night before, and they were all a bit to drunk to drive home.

It took Dan more than an hour to arrive at his house, his mother claimed emergency, but all he heard in his mind was another way to grab hold of him, control him.

Dan's been unreasonable lately, going against his parents more often, wanting things done his way and his way only. But he was a teenager and that kind of behavior was expected.

He bummed off a ride from his buddy Jack, who was already on his way to his work anyways. Dan thanked him for the ride before exiting the vehicle and strolling up the pathway where his house stood. But not before he noticed a cop car parked at the curb, his eyebrows came together as it crossed his mind, his mum might as well be serious.

Curiously Dan climbed the steps onto the white porch.

\

Phil heard the front door unlock, causing Mrs. Howell to perk up as her head swayed toward the sound. A officer sat across from Phil, scribbling down notes on the pages of his sketchpad, the more he collected information from Phil, the deeper he wanted to be buried under a think layer of gravel and cement.

Embarrassment haunted his shadow.

"Mum?" Dan's metallic voice drifted into the kitchen. "Dan" His mother called out, Dan followed the sound of her voice into the room. Dan blinked as he entered, seeing the scene play out before him.

The officer stood, giving a warm smile to Phil, "That should be enough, services will be called and everything will be sorted, Mrs. Howell we will need you to come by the station to make the report official." he looked to Phil as Mrs. Howell mumbled 'of course' "You did the right thing." He added, before scavenging for his things and taking off.

Dan stood in the door way his eye's planted on the officer as he quickly brushed shoulders with Dan. Dan's head whipped around to his mother, then to Phil who refused to even glance up at Dan.

Phil's stomach was churning "Uh, what's going on?" Dan spoke after the silence became unbearable.

Mrs. Howell entirely ignored Dan's question "Can you go get Phil a change of clothes." she demanded. This forced Dan's eye's upon Phil's present condition, dark bags circulated under his eye's, his hair and clothes were damp. He was dangerously thin, Dan could also point out the dark bruises climbing up his neck and down his arms.

Dan hesitantly turned away to scat up the stairs.

Deepest, darkest, deceptions were spilling from the pores of Phil's bark, this feeling had a solid hold on him, jumping in his head helping him spat the words needed to free him.

"You can stay here as long as you need to." Mrs. Howell said sincerely, Phil hardly managed a nod. He looked up slightly meeting her eye's, "What's going to happen to me." His voice was horse and stained.

Before Mrs. Howell could answer Dan's soft carped foot steps sounded through the corridor. He returned holding a pair of sweats and a tee shirt.

"Thank you" Mrs. Howell murmured to her son while standing as he handed them to her. She laid them done on the table in front of Phil, as he gathered the will power to glance at his former best friend, who's eye's seemed to fall directly on him.

"Go shower and change." Mrs. Howells tone was converted into a soft whisper throughout the time. Phil swallowed before crookedly standing and taking Dan's clothes into his hands, his eyes flickering to Dan once again who watched him as he stood. Phil forced himself forward passing Dan being careful not to come in contact with him.

Phil helped himself up the stairs as he roamed though the halls finding the second door to the end.

\

Dan's dad had seated himself next to his wife while Dan replaced Phil in his former chair.

Dan was beyond disoriented and it felt like a jackhammer was making it's way through his ribs.

Phil's condition,

the busies,

the way he's been acting,

every loose string was about to be pulled together.

"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on."

\

Water ran though every inch of Phil's body filling the cold spots, rising the vile from his broken skin.

But soap and water

wasn't enough,

he wished he peel the skin off,

and throw it away,

he didn't want to live in this disgusting body anymore.

How could anyone ever love him knowing the hands that touched him?

Phil wanted to scream, he wanted yell, he was so angry, emotion filled every gap.

What's going to happen to Phil's mum?

What's going to happen to him?

Where will he be sent,

how will he learn how to cope?

All these ugly unanswered questions where over powering Phil's state of mind.

Phil stepped out from under the steaming water, the mirror had fogged, so in attempted to whip it clean, Phil saw the man made marks running all over his skin. All he could do was stare, at his refection. He didn't recolonize the boy who stood in the mirror looking back at him, he didn't know if he ever could.

Phil quickly dressed himself, thankful Dan also threw a pair of boxers into the mix. Phil pulled the sweats over impaired thighs before tugging the shirt over his marked chest.

Phil pushed the door open and silently crept down the hall way. He heard the voices of the Howell family but couldn't make out the mumbles from were he stood. Phil started closer, hearing the voices become more clear. He made hushed movements as he lurked down a couple steps of the stair well.

The voices became mute as he reached the fourth step from the bottom. Out of sight, he pressed his side to the wall, that enclosed the narrow staircase. A small sob was drawn abroad,

it was a sound of hurt as it hit Phil's ears.

"That can't- that doesn't even. I mean I knew his mum was- but I didn't-" Dan's dismal voice leaked, tangled with an upset whimper. "Jesus Christ" he said along with a trembled sigh.

"It's going to be okay, we'll get him help." Mr. Howell rattled.

"Oh my god" Dan swallowed, "I think I'm going to be sick." Mr and Mrs. Howell exchanged glances. "He shouldn't be in the position to even need help." Dan struggled to maintain balance in his tone but he was all over the place.

Phil had heard enough, he stepped down the rest of the staircase making sure he was heard. The Howell's attention was turned to the boy with the dim wit blue eyes. Dan looked up, staring at Phil through glossy eyes.

Phil's never seen Dan so upset before, not even when the pressures of his parents were getting to him. Phil hadn't seen a tear shred from his eyes since they were kids.

Dan abruptly stood, slamming the chair back, he made a scene while starting to storm off, Dan removed his eyes from Phil. He was angry and beyond agitated. He looked forward and anywhere but in Phil's direction, as they faintly bumped shoulders. Dan dashed up the stairs, a door could be heard slamming shut, provoking Phil to flinch.

Phil looked to Mr and Mrs. Howell for guidance.

But Mrs. Howell looked unbelievably upset, he'd never seen any of the Howell's reveal so much emotion.

Phil had always seen the Howell's as such strong people, that seeing them convey this much emotion was tough to digest.

Mrs. Howell keep calm as she spoke "He's just hurt right now, let him cool off." she said assuring Phil. Why is Dan hurt? He has no reason to be, it's Phil who should be hurting. None of this has anything to do with Dan. Anger kept growing towards Dan, why does he have to be so damn irrational.

Phil responded with the shake of his head. "You should probably get some sleep, you know where the guest room is." Mr. Howell jumped in putting a hand on his wife's shoulder as he stood up next to her.

"We have to stop into work but we'll get back in contact with the police. Do you think you'll be okay? We'll be back before six." Mrs. Howell explained.

"Yeah, I'll be fine"

\

Fine.

It was the word that soothed Phil to sleep, even if it didn't seem fairly possible to ever be fine again.

But hey, it was fun to dream.

Dream of a world where Phil's skin remained untouched by the hands of the devil.

A world where Dan never drifted away leaving Phil deserted on an island with the company of alcohol and substance to satisfy him.

\

Dan basically fell apart, he wasn't really happy and he knew that, hell he'd known that.

And just thinking of those men with their filthy hands all over Phil made him fume. The images of Phil trapped underneath a gruesome stranger, wouldn't stop flashing though his mind.

Rage frenzied in his gut, burning through his bones making him weak and brittle. The faint ring of his cell phone could be heard in the background, before it clenched his attention.

Dan's hand slithered into his pocket shakily pressing answer, ready to yell at who ever the innocent person may be. "What?" he glowered practically seething. He really wanted to punch something.

"Dan?" Jackie's rosy sweet voice chimed worry stabbing her tone.

Dan's fury quickly dissolved into sorrow, he felt his heart become heavy.

"Jackie" he said breathlessly, "I hate them.. I-I hate myself" his words were spaced and suffocated and they didn't make sence to the girl who claimed to love him, but never heard or seen him in such a state.

"Dan what's wrong?" she rushed painting her concern through her words.

"They hurt him so bad Jacks" he blubbered.

"Who Dan?"

"I have to go."

"Dan wait-" The end button had already been pressed, Dan's thumb lingered over his phone, as he stared down, the glowing light of his phone lighting up the whole room.

All Dan could think to do was hold Phil. He wanted Phil to feel safe in his arms like before.

But Dan doesn't deserve Phil in his arms,

and Dan's heart blistered,

as he limply crossed the room to his bed that held the,

most cherished memories of Phil.

\

Dan skipped dinner, as did Phil. Phil felt to sick, to tolerate any kind of food.

Dan couldn't stomach to face his parents, to see Phil.

Dan's mum brought Phil his dinner personally seeing he had awoke from his seven hour nap.

"What's going to happen to me?" Phil asked innocently while Mrs. Howell set Phil's plate of food down on the bed side table. Mrs. Howell was hesitant to answer "Stephen and I were talking things over and we thought instead of letting services take over, it'd just be better if you stayed here until you graduate."

Phil was silent for a while, he didn't even think he would be graduating. "Thank you Mrs. Howell but- I don't think that's necessary." Phil was calm and collected.

And he could see the shock on Mrs. Howell's face.

"Are you sure Phil?"

"Yes" he responded, he didn't think living here, under the same roof with Dan would be fair to either of them.

"At least stay a couple days, think it over, yeah?" She persuaded, Phil looked up to see her at unease and he only agreed to make her feel better.

"And listen" She said sitting down on the brink of the bed. "I know you think Dan's father and I haven't really favored you, and that's because perhaps we haven't been fair. But it's because we've only ever wanted the best for our sons, and it wasn't civil to judge you so quickly just because of how you lived and how you were raised." She took a moment to study the boy's expression, he listened intently.

"Dan made us out to be the bad guy's when you boys were younger, I know he feared us, feared letting us down. But I only realized this recently, when Dan acts out it was because we pressured him to much. And I know that now. I know we aren't parents of the year, but Jacob was so much easier than Dan is. And I guess that's what makes Dan's so much more intriguing. He's different from the crowd we wanted him to be apart of."

Phil smiled, a true smile, one he hadn't felt lift his cheeks into life in so long. Phil longed for parent's like Dan's even in the beginning when Dan did make them out to be the bad guys. All he wanted to feel was important, and if it meant being controlled so be it.

"Well if it makes you feel better, you beat my parent's by a long shot." Phil joked, Mrs. Howell didn't think it was right to laugh at his joke, but she did anyways.

Phil took note in the first time he'd ever seen Dan's mum's face light with a sorrowful laughter.

\

Dan gazed up at his ceiling, stripped to his boxers with an arm draped across his stomach and his eye's fluttered open and closed every so often.

His Sunday plans remained forgotten,

the texts his phone receive remained untended to,

dinner remained untouched.

Dan's abdomen begged for something Dan didn't have the heart to give. He didn't feel like moving, didn't feel like ever moving again. His Dad tried to reason with him earlier in the night when he delivered his dinner. But all Dan could do was lay motionless, unresponsive.

\

Phil's mum had been hauled away, no money for a lawyer, hardly a court case when Dan's mum herself was the one locking Mrs. Lester away. Phil wasn't told the details, just the highlights of his mum's situation.

Other than that Phil was treated well by the Howells, he's even managed to tolerate at least three meals during the past two days. Mrs. Howell often would come to him after work, and they'd converse about simple things while Phil ate his dinner. She'd told him before, that the kitchen was always open to him but he couldn't be bothered really.

Mrs. Howell even managed to draw Phil downstairs to watch a movie with her and her husband. They'd try and lure Dan along to but he's refused, says he can't be in the same room as Phil. Of course they'd never tell Phil the exact words from Dan's mouth in fear of hurting him.

Phil would snuggle up in the recliner chair, while Mr and Mrs. Howell sat on the sofa and it would be quiet, as the movie rolled onto the screen.

Phil had never felt so at home, he'd never felt apart of something this big. He never wanted it to stop. But he knew he couldn't stay.

\

Dan skipped the past 3 day's of school, his phone still remaining untended to, he now picked at his dinner. Lying in his boxers, breathing softly staring at the ceiling, arm draped across his empty stomach.

\

Phil's back pressed against the chair as he sat watching a movie one evening, when the door bell sounded throughout the house.

Mrs. Howell stood to answer it, motioning Phil to carry on with the movie when he asked if he should pause it. Mrs. Howell glided through the hall, putting a hand on the knob. When she opened the door, she saw Jackie Baker standing with her hair curled and a distressed look on her face. "Jackie" Mrs. Howell greeted.

"Is Dan okay? He hasn't replied to any of my calls or texts, he hasn't shown up at school at all this week." her words flooded her throat as she pumped them out.

"Whoa there" Mrs. Howell smiled lightly, "He's fine, just going- through uh a hard time."

Jackie nodded not fully understanding, "Is he here?" she asked. Mrs. Howell bowed her head in response "He's in his room" she added stepping aside letting the girl past.

Jackie thanked her, as she walked along the corridor, Mrs. Howell tailing behind. Jackie tersely glanced into the living room, spotting Phil on the recliner engrossed in a movie.

Confusion rattled her nerves. Dan and Phil weren't friends anymore, Dan told her that himself? So why was he sitting in her boyfriends living room?

She continued on reaching the stairs, Mrs. Howell went back to her original place on the sofa answering her husbands question as to who was at the door.

Jackie climbed the stairs, walking onward through the carpeted hall, finding Dan's bed room door. She fixed her hair and adjusted her top before knocked on the door, before calling out Dan's name.

No response came, and Jackie started to feel slightly neglected.

Jackie Baker doesn't go ignored.

"Dan!" she banged on the door with her small fist. Still getting no response, she clamped her hand over the knob shaking it until realizing it's unlocked. "I'm coming in," she warned.

Jackie twisted the handle sending the door swinging open.

Dan lied undaunted, sunken into his mattress, blankets enclosed around his sides. "Dan" Jackie quaked taking timid strides into the room. She hovered over the bed looking down at him.

"What" he said, reeling his neck, his eye's caught Jackie's subtle gaze. "Where have you been?" she lulled for an instant, taking in his state. "I've called, texted, no one's heard from you in almost a week."

Dan had yet to respond, however Jackie stood maintaining her ground, for several minutes. Dan's lips formed into a frown as he perched himself upward. "I'm sorry" he said, watching her unhinged manner. He peered up at her, downheartedly.

"What's happened?" Jackie started forward, Dan allowed her to sit near his legs.

"Something bad," Dan tore his eyes from the girl, he moved his hand along the comforter, taking a fist full into his clutches. "I don't want to tell you." he said falling back into silence.

"Dan, you know you can tell me anything." But all the rumors and secrets spread around the school told Dan otherwise.

"Are you sure about that?" he said, sort of harshly, resulting in Jackie's confused. appearance.

"What kind of relationship do we have, if we don't trust each other?" She fretted.

"I really don't know." Dan said coolly looking up at her. "But I think you should leave."

Jackie's worry was replaced with a shot of anger. "Now wait a minute"

"No, Jacks" Dan said staring down at his legs.

"I don't think I can love you."

"Dan!" she erupted, "How could you fucking say that?" The curse slipping from her mouth told Dan how hurt she was.

"You already do love me Dan! You said you did!" she choked out bolting upward, rapidly making gestures with her arms.

"I didn't know what I was talking about Jackie, but I know now that I just can't be with you like that." Tears appeared in both of their eyes. Jackie's makeup was smudged and wreaked like her state of mind. And Dan just felt overwhelmed.

"But I love you." She whimpered.

"I know"

\

The stomping of feet reflected throughout the house. Phil's wandering glance was clutched by the Howells.

Jackie flung herself down the stairwell, shouting profanity over her shoulder, toward Dan's direction. She ripped through the hall, hardly stopping to acknowledge the people who'd she'd interrupted, before she exited the Howell's residence with the door slamming behind her.

"Well" Mr. Howell said lightly.

Phil hadn't even noticed her arrival, but couldn't help be aware of her departure.

\

Dan left his room more often, actually showering regularly, showing up for classes, for dinner.

\

Phil generally found himself sick, the absents of substances and burning liquid made his head spin and throat tickle. He missed it, he missed numbing everything all at once, he missed his addiction.

So sometimes while the Howell's were away at work, and Dan had left for class, he'd stow away to his old home.

Though each time he wandered back to steal away with a bottle of liquor, it was like pouring salt water deep into a open wound.

He'd down a bottle of rum, let it sickly descend his throat, scorching, incisive.

Drowning every inch of the bottle, he treasured every second right up to the last drop.

\

Dan's ignored the fabrication's told by the girl who claimed she loved him. But what she shows, surely isn't love.

Apparently,

he cheated,

wanted her only for sex,

and thought she wasn't good enough.

Non of the above were true, of course, but that was Jackie for you, the ring leader of a school which resembled a circus.

Most of his 'friends' up and scat taking Jackie's side in all of this. Other's congratulated him.

Dan showed up to school, for classes and classes only, he couldn't care less about the bull shit lies being thrown in his face.

\

Phil started therapy today.

\

Dan failed his first test.

\

Dan, awoke in a cold sweat, he'd been shouting in his sleep. Shivering, he swore he felt the shadows cornering him in. The sense of terror engulfed him, the boy with black hair could be seen flashing through his mind. Creeping into his thoughts. Clawing at the gate way that was his sanity.

Dan's limbs shook, unnerving every dendrite in his being. He sprang from his bed, soaring across the room, flinging himself through the door way. Dan's fingers uncontrollably racked through his matted hair, he breathed heavily through gritted teeth.

Reaching the room where a boy lie unconscionably on the other side, Dan stood dazed, as the seconds built into minutes.

He didn't knock when the time came instead Dan crept into the room, his foot steps unheard, the room filled with a pessimistic aroma, he found Phil laying softly, sleeping. Dan ogled for so long, hurt swelling in his chest. He didn't want to wake Phil's sleeping figure, he looked so tranquil, so delicate.

However at the moment Dan couldn't ignore his own need to feel Phil safe against his chest. So after urging himself, confining himself, he reached out for Phil, for the first time in months.

"Phil?" Dan hushed, Phil was still silent.

"Phil?" He said a bit louder, Phil started to stir. .

"Phil" Dan called for the last time, his voice ruffling at the edges.

Phil's eyes batted open as he awoke from the one place where he could feel safer than with serenity of the substances treatment. Phil's head swayed toward the voice, releasing his name. He caught his breath as he gazed forward, encountering Dan's own fixed look in the darkened room. A hum escaped his throat before the air was coated with a thin blanket of silence.

"I'm so sorry Phil" Dan paused "I wanted to make sure you were okay." Dan's voice steadied as he with drew glances from Phil.

Phil was half asleep, half awake, contemplating whether he was dreaming a nightmare or living a nightmare. "It- It's not really your fault." He whispered hazily unaware of his notions.

"How could you say that?" Dan retched, his voice faint and soft.

Phil's eyes lifted into Dan's through the dark of the room.

Their eyes stayed leveled, as time steamed by.

"I still- I still love you." Dan's words broke as they poured from his defeated throat.

Phil's nightmare, became real, his shivers weren't caused by pleasure they were the effect of fear. Fear of bringing the one person in his life back that he'd always counted on,

the one who let him fall into a dark abyss,

who let him down.

Phil's body was thinking differently than his mind as he suddenly started scoot over to the other side of the bed, making room for Dan. Dan's head refused to wrap around how forgiving Phil seemed to be. Dan knew, Phil knew, the way Dan had treated Phil, he was ignorant. Dan didn't deserve Phil's forgiveness.

But he slowly came forward the selfishness attacking him from the inside out poking through his senses, Dan attained, he pulled back the blankets looking to Phil for reassurance. Phil didn't respond, but only peered up at Dan yearning for his touch.

Dan slid into the empty captivity space, his head falling on the sunken pillow, his mind feeling hollow, dreading the future of Phil Lester.

Both boys lie on their backs, facing the ceilings, letting the room fall still once again.

Why would Dan say that? Why would he make Phil weak again, why couldn't he just leave it be. Wait for Phil's flee which was bound to happen in only a couple days. Phil didn't want to crumble at the feet of his former world, he could give Dan his whole being again, could he?

"You've never said that before." Phil's words were vacant, lacking the emotion Dan needed. Dan's stomach whipped dinner around. "It was obvious Phil, I never needed to say it." His voice shook with heavy amount of dread.

"But- but you just left me." Tears pooled Phil's eyes as he tried fight them away. "I didn't know what to do"

"I know, I'm so sorry" Dan's voice filled the void with sobs as he started to cry. Phil's strong will power started to dwindle downward while the tears spill down his cheeks as well.

Phil's angry, he's sad, pressed down by grief.

Dan's angry, he's sad, rose by love.

"Are you scared" Dan cried while continuing to let the tears fall freely.

Phil's damaged skin, can't be replaced.

"Yeah" Phil's muffled answer was drowned with a whimper. Dan shakily released an in taken breath.

But it isn't impossible for it to be covered.

"I don't want you to be" Dan said, Phil didn't respond, and as seconds passed Dan inquired "If I touched you, would you be afraid of me?"

Would Phil be afraid of hands that only meant good?

Phil didn't respond immediately, frightening Dan, who lay across the blankets in a world of his own.

Impossible.

"I could never be afraid of you, Dan" he said turning his head making the contact within Dan's beautiful brown eye's. A wave a bliss ravished Dan as he was caught in the middle of a storm.

Phil studied Dan's bottomless expression, he was carried forth by the very emotion that swept him away. The current, repeatedly bashing him against the rocks of the ocean crust. Phil could pick out every affection, but couldn't name them.

He slowly started to fumble toward Dan until he was falling into his arms. He was submerged into Dan, once again, but this time there was no letting go.

Kisses burned like fire on ice, melted away by real love. Phil yet to say three words, that would send Dan flying on his own kind of high.

\

Synchronized hearts pulsed near the same rhythm, at the same pace, almost the same time.

Their futures were still to swim into focus as time progressed, and they knew they would somehow come out of this mess alive.

Laying there huddled under their shared duvet was the best feeling either one of them could ever ask for.

Because there were no roofs to hop, or windows to climb through. They didn't have to sneak into Dan's room and hide from anguish anymore. Because they had all the time in the world to lie in bed clustered to each other and share their kisses in the dark.

There they would kiss, for the millionth time, no demands, no promise, just the start of rebuilding a shattered bond.


End file.
